Sunday, 31 May 2009

Invaluable Blogger

Okay, so yet again am I doing anything in my power to put off my never ending editing.  Doesn't help that stupid laptop is now playing funny beggars, and freezing every fricken second!!!!

On a plus side, today is a beautiful day, sunshine, birds singing, stupid wasps flying around all over the shop.  Bugger off!!!!  Why do they feel the need to chase you??!?!?!?!

Rambling again....

So yes, a lovely sunny day.  Yesterday was proper roasting.  Well, to me it was, but then I am Scottish and redheaded, so to a normal person it was probably only a few degrees above cold.

On another happy note, I received All Time Best status on FanStory!! I got 30+ reviews on my chapter Special Delivery, most of which were glowing, really made my day!

I am coming to the end of my book now, only one chapter remains left unwritten and it is my hardest chapter yet.  The wrapping up of the book!!! Arg!!!  I am still stuck in edit hell, trying desperately to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I can't see because I have now gone blind staring at the stupid screen of the stupid laptop that keeps freezing!!! Phew.  Deep breath in and out.  All better now.

I'm getting to the point now where I am researching agents and whatnot.  Ack!  Agent!  The very word makes my blood run cold.  I suppose it is the fear of failing I most afraid of.  At school I sucked at story telling, or so my fat and balding teacher told me.  From then I have been plagued by self doubt, and not sure if I could handle the disappointment of being told I was unworthy and haven't written anything of consequence.

There is a charming fellow on Blogger who has cheered me up some.  He goes by the name of Nathan Bransford, and his blog is well worth a read if you are a tortured writer in seek of guidance from a well established agent.  I'm new to Blogger, and only just started posting myself, so I haven't been following any blogs for long, but have read a few previous posts of his and found them invaluable.  Providing a terrific inside look to the realm of writers, agents, publishers (or hell, to some) and what these kind of people are looking for.  Thanks to his advice and tips, one of these days I may find the courage to approach an agent and submit a query.  Ha...one of these days lol.

The thing I keep telling myself, is I never started out with a aim to shoot to fame.  I have written since I was six years old, and have only very recently started letting people read my stuff.  Mainly because most of it is drivel, but hey.  I write for myself.  I write tales that I myself would read and dream about.  A lot of my stuff comes from dreams it is amazing the things in the world that provide inspiration.  But anyway, yes, I originally started writing for myself.  When I got the courage to post on FanStory,  I told myself that it didn't matter if nobody liked my stuff because I did.  But, if one other person read it and enjoyed it, then that would be fan daby dosy!  So far I have about ten fans.  Not many compared to the likes of Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer, but we all start somewhere, and I wouldn't trade those ten fans for anything.  They have provided me with invaluable support and they are rockstars to me. 

I've never been in it for the money either, an have no aspirations of shooting straight for the bestseller list and raking in the mega bucks.  Like I said, if one person besides myself enjoys it, that is all the reward I need.  Now, I just have to repeat this about twenty million times and pluck up the courage to send my baby out into the world where failure is more common than success.

Sigh...back to edits.

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Friday, 29 May 2009

Hell?

Feel like I am stuck in hell.  Actually, stuck in something much worse than hell.  Stuck in EDITLAND!!!


I always start with great enthusiasm, ready to find all the little nits that managed to hide the last time I proof read a certain chapter, but somehow editing never fails to dimish my moral.  

I recently let my BF read my book, which to her is finished, to me slightly resembles the Colosseum.  You get the jist of what it is meant to look like - but boy does it need a lot of work!

If it is ever ready for agent/publisher/a non-relation to read, it will be a miracle!  I discovered Fanstory about a million years ago, and is only in the last few months that I have had the courage to post on it.  The rewards of this website are awesome, you get to meet some really cool characters.  

Along my way, I have developed a fanbase.  Small, but there none the least.  Without them. I doubt I would have gotten anywhere with my book.  It isn't only because of the feedback that I have received that makes me grateful for this site, but also because of the opportunity to see other writers and their work.  I have discovered a few jems, and truly hope this career takes off for them.

Sigh...have prcrastinated long enough I suppose.  Someone save me a seat to hell...

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Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Randomness

Okay, you know what is really annoying about getting myself out there and known in the writing community and venturing down unknown paths?  Everyone is freakin American!  Not a problem - love the American's - it's the time zones I hate!


On Fanstory, everyone who reads my work is on the other side of the world, and can never chat cause I'm always sleeping when they are awake...sob...I miss my fav blogs on here...and twitter...takes me ages to catch up...may have to move the other side of the pond...

Anyhoo, new posts are up on Fanstory.  I know I have no followers yet - but if I do eventually get any - go check out Fanstory.  It really is an awesome community, full of wondrful people who help encourage you on your (hopefully) way to greatness.

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I'm Back...

Okay, so I am finally getting back into this thing. Husband relinquished control to me ha ha, so have lots of little bits and pieces of me all over the web. Gross, that sounded rank there. Okay, anyway, getting down to it now. It has been a very long time since my last post (about 7 months shock horror). The last I wrote was about my gruesome birth, which upon reflection, no one really wants to know about! My son is now 7.5 months old and getting bigger every second. My most exciting news, is I have finally fought my fear of letting anyone read me writing, and have started posting on Fanstory.com I am loving this new development, and loving the feedback even more. I really had no idea such a community existed for would-be writers. It is a beautiful thing, to read the works of others and see the success stories. I don't write with the hopes of success. When I posted my first chapter on FS, I said to myself, I write for myself, and for my tastes. If one other person likes my work, then that will be me happy. Well, colour me surprised, now a fair few people have added my work to their bookshelves so they don't miss a thing. Well, my bath is now run so best be off before I flood the house. Ciao for now

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New Day

Well folks, it has been a while since I've been at my site and a lot has happened in the quiet period. Fax and I moved too the house we wanted, and I could not love it any more. It really is awesome and has a fab feel about it. It is out in the sticks a little and everyone seems to worry that I am going to feel isolated with Fax being at work, but I grew up in a place like this, so not bothering me in the slightest. So I was pretty much dubbed as clinically insane for moving when I only had two weeks of my pregnancy left! It was easy going though, we had two fab helpers in the shape of future father and brother in law, and all I had to do was sit back and tell them what went where! Even my psychotic pussy cat seems more at home here. Probably because he has much more room to exercise his crazyness. We bought him one of those scratch post tower house play area things and he loves it, he sits in the little house at the top (only just fits mind you) and pokes his head and front paws out so he can keep an eye on whats going on. Slightly resembles those creepy cuckoo clocks that pop out every hour, but is happy enough in his own little crazy planet. Now for the really big stuff. At 1.14pm on 30th September 2008, my bump decided to be less bump like and more baby like. It was an excruiciatingly long labour, contractions started on the Sunday, and baby was born on the Tuesday! The midwifes I had were excellent and was very lucky to have such nice ones. I plan to send something too them as a way of thanks for their hard work (and probably very damaged ears!) but things have a tendancy to stay in my mind for about 40 seconds then are lost into the black void which is growing bigger every day. Weighing in 7.2 pounds, my beautiful baby boy was everything I imagined and more. I couldn't believe it when he was finally here, my brain still being in that partial denial stage where I wasn't fully convinced a baby was the end result in all this! Strange how the brain works, I'm sure they trick you into not believing things, especially how I felt during my pregnancy as I have been told by other mum's their train of thoughts were relatively the same. But I think your brain does this, because if you could fully comprehend what it is too become a parent and bring a living thing into this scary place we call the world, we would crack up. I was still coming off the drugs when he was born, so can't remember a whole lot about the actual birth, although I can remember the midwife calling me an enigma because it only took one push for him to come into the world and meet us, and the midwife was convinced it would still be at least another forty five minutes before he would even be born. It was as though my son thought "alright, enough of this, here I come!" and boy, was I ever grateful! Even though I can remember thinking that it was agony, and was positive that dying wouldn't even be this painful (depending of course of how I die!), it is comepletely true when they tell you that it isn't a pain you can remember. By the next day, it was all a complete blur, and again I am sure this is your brain taking over, because if we women could remember exactly how painful it is, I'm sure there would be a population problem on the planet Earth. So at long last, nine months and three days later, I got too meet the little person I had been sharing my body with. He was amazing in every single way. During the long process of labour, I became certain that he would be a boy. Fax and I decided not too find out the sex of our baby, wanting it to be an old fashioned surprise. So as he was placed on my tummy and cleaned up slightly, I managed to catch a glimpse of what sex he was. I didn't think I had a preference, but was so happy when I learned he was a boy. Or maybe I was just so happy to see him. Fax cut the cord but I didn't look, was scared what it would look like, and didn't want to be sick! Once I was all patched up, had been fed the most awesome portion of tea and toast I have ever had in my entire life (seriously, tasted better than a slap up meal at the most expensive restaurant), it was time for a little mummy and baby cuddle. I couldn't believe the rush of emotions I felt when I was holding him in my arms. I felt like I knew a million of his secrets, and no one knew him like I did. It was as though the nine months (and three days) we spent together in the womb, we had been bonding the entire time, getting to know each other slowly and reaching an understanding on how the other worked. He was breastfeeding within forty minutes of being born, which I am assured is very good, and seemed a perfect way for us to establish our mother and son relationship. It was around this time that my own mother came in. She knew what a terrible time I had been having with trying to get him out, and him not wanting to budge an inch, so she was coming to see me, not realising that by the time she actually got too the hospital, her grandson had been born. The first day, or rather, afternoon and evening passed in a sureal kind of blur. My visitors came and went and then it was time for Fax to go home for the night, and leave me in charge of our child. I have never felt fear like this before in my life, and honestly do not know how I did not make myself physically sick with worry. Even though I knew my midwife who had looked after me the night before was working on my ward and was there if I needed her, it still didn't get rid of any fear. I hated that I was on a ward, sharing it with two other mothers and their newborn children. So, needless to say, I had a fairly restless night. What with my worry for my baby, the baby in the next bed crying all night long, and the woman across from me snoring like a freight train, I'm shocked I managed what sleep I did. Finally it was time to go home. My little family had one more member, and it was time to get home and live our lives. And after a very quick trip Tescos, we were on our way. It was a very strange feeling sitting in our living room and settling him down to sleep, but it also felt right. Fax and I both felt fairly useless at first. We had grown this little person, and now we had too look after it. I had never been around babies before and was slighly nervous that the first one I would be set loose on would be my own. After the first few days, and few visits from my community midwife, I felt a little more established in my role as Mum. My midwife is fab, and assured me I was doing very well and beamed with joy as she told me I was a natural, and Fax said how proud of my he was. I said once before I would like a few more children, but at this moment, I can't imagine sharing myself with anyone but him. I want him too have whatever he wants whenever he wants it, and to be by my side forever and ever. And yes, I am fully aware that this could result in a demon child later on in life, but right now, I don't care. I am so in love with my child, I had no idea the bond would be this strong. I feel like I could cry sometimes, but not because I am depressed and unhappy, for the exact opposite reasons. I am bursting with pride for my little man, and can't believe that I managed to make something so perfect. Life is settling down here for the moment as we are nine days in to this parenting lark, and getting the hang of things now. Welll, my son beckons and so I must go. More mummy thoughts to follow.

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Sleepiness

Okay, so first of all, what is the correct spelling of that word? The version I just used doesn't quite look right, but 'sleepyness' doesn't feel right either. Hmm...Okay, so if any intelligent people happen to stumble upon my little site, please feel free to correct me. Seriously, i could use the help.... Anyway, I did not sign on this morning to ponder the spelling of a word, but it does actually prove my point. I can't quite remember when the sleeplessness set in during this pregnancy, but I can assure you that it is now a very prominent role in my life. It's that time of the night when there is bugger all on TV and then your mind starts to get slightly dazed and confused...

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Lonely

The worst thing about missing someone, is the feeling of abandonment and isolation. I have never been a needy or dependant girl, so colour me suprised when I started pinning for a certain someone...... I've lived alone for years and been incredibly independant from probably too early an age, so it did come as a suprise when I found myself missing the dude. I have never been the type to let my guard down enough to be that dependant on someone, and was shocked to find myself a lil bit scared when he went away. Now, I have gotten used to being left somewhat frequently, but have never resented him for it. I know some people who would blame them for leaving, but that just isn't me. I understand it has to be done and it is in our best interests that he does it. Of course, he enjoys his work so that doesn't hurt matters. A certain sense of dread washes over me as I watch him pack his bag, or make up his lunch box for the day of travelling ahead, parts of me wanting to scream out for him not too leave, to stay here with me, but I am a good girl and remain quiet as I would not want him to feel guilty. I have often considered flushing the car keys down the toilet or hiding his clothes so that he doesn't have an option, but I am a terrible liar and would be found guilty almost immediately. It is much better these days when he ups and leaves lil ol me, as I know he is at least in this country! I felt terrible when he would go abroad, longing for him to call me, growing agitated if we couldn't spend long enough on the phone, then spend a good chunk of the evening crying (a trait very unfamiliar to me!) The hormones have a huge part to play in my melodrama and make me feel even worse. I think that is why I feel so out of control most of the time. I have all these feelings tearing me in a million different directions, and a part of my brain would tell me how I would normally react, so it was fairly frightening to be reacting in a completely different manner. Worrying is also another factor when he leaves me, and I have no idea why. I think possibly because I know he is just that little bit further away from me than he normally is, and I cannot see what he is doing (on the other hand, thank God for that, as he has a terrible habit of scratching his bottom just that little bit too deeply)and therefore convinced that some freak accident is going to take him away from me. I was warned about the doom and gloom I would feel whilst pregnant, others telling me I would become a tearful and others telling me I would become convinced my whole family would die in a flaming inferno. And let me tell you, neither is much fun. I get terrible nightmares about awful things happening to those around me, so much so it would keep awake for the rest of the night. I hate it if he isn't in frequent contact me with me when he is travelling, even though I shout at him for using his phone whilst driving (that frigging iPhone. I swear, he would set a plate for it at dinner time if he could...) What I am grateful for, is he bought me a gift to compensate for his lack of being at home sometimes. The previously mentioned critter of the furry variety. Aptly named after Indiana Jones, as this thing has no idea he is a cat and tends to explore everything. From the freezer to the full bath, he goes in everything. Having this little guy has made a world of difference when I am home alone, and stops me from going stir crazy, and even has little conversations with me (yes he does, ok?). What does keep me going in these dark times of loneliness, is that even when he is not here in person, I still feel him with me every second of the day. Whether I am reminded of him by a passing text checking if I am okay, or whether I see a photo of the two of us, or even if I am washing his stinky socks, he stays in my heart. And even better? I know that I am right there in his.

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Good Evening

27/10/2008

Okay, so this is my first attempt at blogging, so my apologies in advance! I guess I have been interested in this sort of thing for a while, but it just took a while to get my butt into gear! I find I have so many thoughts going through my head, I would sincerely benefit either from therapy or from having somewhere to come and jot them down, so I took the latter approach. Since this is my first blog, i guess I will start with a little bit about me. I am a twenty-something gal about to embark upon a brand new adventure in her life, quite possibly one of the biggest you can, yup, thats right, I am about to venture down the path of parenthood. A huge part of me is really excited and can’t wait to meet the little critter currently taking up what feels about 95% of my body, but another is slightly anxious and terrified. I have an amazing partner who I love so much I could spend hours and hours just gushing about, but I won’t, and genuinely feel really lucky to have found him. We also share our life with another little critter, this time of the furry variety! We got him at the beginning of my pregnancy, and feel like he has been sent from God to prepare me for the troubles and tasks of parenthood! Just this morning I had to rescue him down from the door that he had climbed and had chickened out of attempting to get back down….sigh….. We live in Cumbria at the moment, but hopefully are going to be moving (providing the bank get off their sweet behind and sort out their part!) in the very near future, and just need the go ahead. Yes, moving at this late date in my pregnancy, I am, you guessed it, most likely clinically insane. I am no longer working (not the woo hoo I thought it would be!), dedicating myself to being a full time oven, and having to fill my days with tv and books. On that subject, I really could go on and on. I love books, I love the smell of them, the way they look before they have been read, I just downright luv em! Having read my way through my bookcases more than a few times in recent weeks, there is no better feeling than getting a brand new book and opening up to page one. I get a sense of achievement once finished (who know’s why?!) and love the thrill of finding out what happens. I am also this way when it comes to movies. I would go the movies every single day if my bank balance permitted it. Sadly, this does not happen, so once in a blue moon and other half and I venture out for a date night (normally resulting in me eating way to much and him sleeping beside me in the darkened cinema.) When I was a lot younger, I developed a new thirst. That being, wanting to write something for myself. I loved books and reading them, but would be frustrated as I would have all these ideas in my head for stories and plotlines, but no-one would write them! So, I would write them myself. I wrote a heck of a lot in my early teens, but as a young adult I shied away, terrified of rejection and humiliation. As a victim of bullying at the evil known as High School, a huge part of that stays with me into my adulthood. That part of the saga can be left for another day, as I am sure it would side track me and lead me down the dark routes of nearly forgotten, yet all to painful, past. So, I shall leave off here with the threat of returning. It may be in an hour, possibly a week or two, who know’s!

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