New Day

Well folks, it has been a while since I've been at my site and a lot has happened in the quiet period. Fax and I moved too the house we wanted, and I could not love it any more. It really is awesome and has a fab feel about it. It is out in the sticks a little and everyone seems to worry that I am going to feel isolated with Fax being at work, but I grew up in a place like this, so not bothering me in the slightest. So I was pretty much dubbed as clinically insane for moving when I only had two weeks of my pregnancy left! It was easy going though, we had two fab helpers in the shape of future father and brother in law, and all I had to do was sit back and tell them what went where! Even my psychotic pussy cat seems more at home here. Probably because he has much more room to exercise his crazyness. We bought him one of those scratch post tower house play area things and he loves it, he sits in the little house at the top (only just fits mind you) and pokes his head and front paws out so he can keep an eye on whats going on. Slightly resembles those creepy cuckoo clocks that pop out every hour, but is happy enough in his own little crazy planet. Now for the really big stuff. At 1.14pm on 30th September 2008, my bump decided to be less bump like and more baby like. It was an excruiciatingly long labour, contractions started on the Sunday, and baby was born on the Tuesday! The midwifes I had were excellent and was very lucky to have such nice ones. I plan to send something too them as a way of thanks for their hard work (and probably very damaged ears!) but things have a tendancy to stay in my mind for about 40 seconds then are lost into the black void which is growing bigger every day. Weighing in 7.2 pounds, my beautiful baby boy was everything I imagined and more. I couldn't believe it when he was finally here, my brain still being in that partial denial stage where I wasn't fully convinced a baby was the end result in all this! Strange how the brain works, I'm sure they trick you into not believing things, especially how I felt during my pregnancy as I have been told by other mum's their train of thoughts were relatively the same. But I think your brain does this, because if you could fully comprehend what it is too become a parent and bring a living thing into this scary place we call the world, we would crack up. I was still coming off the drugs when he was born, so can't remember a whole lot about the actual birth, although I can remember the midwife calling me an enigma because it only took one push for him to come into the world and meet us, and the midwife was convinced it would still be at least another forty five minutes before he would even be born. It was as though my son thought "alright, enough of this, here I come!" and boy, was I ever grateful! Even though I can remember thinking that it was agony, and was positive that dying wouldn't even be this painful (depending of course of how I die!), it is comepletely true when they tell you that it isn't a pain you can remember. By the next day, it was all a complete blur, and again I am sure this is your brain taking over, because if we women could remember exactly how painful it is, I'm sure there would be a population problem on the planet Earth. So at long last, nine months and three days later, I got too meet the little person I had been sharing my body with. He was amazing in every single way. During the long process of labour, I became certain that he would be a boy. Fax and I decided not too find out the sex of our baby, wanting it to be an old fashioned surprise. So as he was placed on my tummy and cleaned up slightly, I managed to catch a glimpse of what sex he was. I didn't think I had a preference, but was so happy when I learned he was a boy. Or maybe I was just so happy to see him. Fax cut the cord but I didn't look, was scared what it would look like, and didn't want to be sick! Once I was all patched up, had been fed the most awesome portion of tea and toast I have ever had in my entire life (seriously, tasted better than a slap up meal at the most expensive restaurant), it was time for a little mummy and baby cuddle. I couldn't believe the rush of emotions I felt when I was holding him in my arms. I felt like I knew a million of his secrets, and no one knew him like I did. It was as though the nine months (and three days) we spent together in the womb, we had been bonding the entire time, getting to know each other slowly and reaching an understanding on how the other worked. He was breastfeeding within forty minutes of being born, which I am assured is very good, and seemed a perfect way for us to establish our mother and son relationship. It was around this time that my own mother came in. She knew what a terrible time I had been having with trying to get him out, and him not wanting to budge an inch, so she was coming to see me, not realising that by the time she actually got too the hospital, her grandson had been born. The first day, or rather, afternoon and evening passed in a sureal kind of blur. My visitors came and went and then it was time for Fax to go home for the night, and leave me in charge of our child. I have never felt fear like this before in my life, and honestly do not know how I did not make myself physically sick with worry. Even though I knew my midwife who had looked after me the night before was working on my ward and was there if I needed her, it still didn't get rid of any fear. I hated that I was on a ward, sharing it with two other mothers and their newborn children. So, needless to say, I had a fairly restless night. What with my worry for my baby, the baby in the next bed crying all night long, and the woman across from me snoring like a freight train, I'm shocked I managed what sleep I did. Finally it was time to go home. My little family had one more member, and it was time to get home and live our lives. And after a very quick trip Tescos, we were on our way. It was a very strange feeling sitting in our living room and settling him down to sleep, but it also felt right. Fax and I both felt fairly useless at first. We had grown this little person, and now we had too look after it. I had never been around babies before and was slighly nervous that the first one I would be set loose on would be my own. After the first few days, and few visits from my community midwife, I felt a little more established in my role as Mum. My midwife is fab, and assured me I was doing very well and beamed with joy as she told me I was a natural, and Fax said how proud of my he was. I said once before I would like a few more children, but at this moment, I can't imagine sharing myself with anyone but him. I want him too have whatever he wants whenever he wants it, and to be by my side forever and ever. And yes, I am fully aware that this could result in a demon child later on in life, but right now, I don't care. I am so in love with my child, I had no idea the bond would be this strong. I feel like I could cry sometimes, but not because I am depressed and unhappy, for the exact opposite reasons. I am bursting with pride for my little man, and can't believe that I managed to make something so perfect. Life is settling down here for the moment as we are nine days in to this parenting lark, and getting the hang of things now. Welll, my son beckons and so I must go. More mummy thoughts to follow.