Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Lonely

The worst thing about missing someone, is the feeling of abandonment and isolation. I have never been a needy or dependant girl, so colour me suprised when I started pinning for a certain someone...... I've lived alone for years and been incredibly independant from probably too early an age, so it did come as a suprise when I found myself missing the dude. I have never been the type to let my guard down enough to be that dependant on someone, and was shocked to find myself a lil bit scared when he went away. Now, I have gotten used to being left somewhat frequently, but have never resented him for it. I know some people who would blame them for leaving, but that just isn't me. I understand it has to be done and it is in our best interests that he does it. Of course, he enjoys his work so that doesn't hurt matters. A certain sense of dread washes over me as I watch him pack his bag, or make up his lunch box for the day of travelling ahead, parts of me wanting to scream out for him not too leave, to stay here with me, but I am a good girl and remain quiet as I would not want him to feel guilty. I have often considered flushing the car keys down the toilet or hiding his clothes so that he doesn't have an option, but I am a terrible liar and would be found guilty almost immediately. It is much better these days when he ups and leaves lil ol me, as I know he is at least in this country! I felt terrible when he would go abroad, longing for him to call me, growing agitated if we couldn't spend long enough on the phone, then spend a good chunk of the evening crying (a trait very unfamiliar to me!) The hormones have a huge part to play in my melodrama and make me feel even worse. I think that is why I feel so out of control most of the time. I have all these feelings tearing me in a million different directions, and a part of my brain would tell me how I would normally react, so it was fairly frightening to be reacting in a completely different manner. Worrying is also another factor when he leaves me, and I have no idea why. I think possibly because I know he is just that little bit further away from me than he normally is, and I cannot see what he is doing (on the other hand, thank God for that, as he has a terrible habit of scratching his bottom just that little bit too deeply)and therefore convinced that some freak accident is going to take him away from me. I was warned about the doom and gloom I would feel whilst pregnant, others telling me I would become a tearful and others telling me I would become convinced my whole family would die in a flaming inferno. And let me tell you, neither is much fun. I get terrible nightmares about awful things happening to those around me, so much so it would keep awake for the rest of the night. I hate it if he isn't in frequent contact me with me when he is travelling, even though I shout at him for using his phone whilst driving (that frigging iPhone. I swear, he would set a plate for it at dinner time if he could...) What I am grateful for, is he bought me a gift to compensate for his lack of being at home sometimes. The previously mentioned critter of the furry variety. Aptly named after Indiana Jones, as this thing has no idea he is a cat and tends to explore everything. From the freezer to the full bath, he goes in everything. Having this little guy has made a world of difference when I am home alone, and stops me from going stir crazy, and even has little conversations with me (yes he does, ok?). What does keep me going in these dark times of loneliness, is that even when he is not here in person, I still feel him with me every second of the day. Whether I am reminded of him by a passing text checking if I am okay, or whether I see a photo of the two of us, or even if I am washing his stinky socks, he stays in my heart. And even better? I know that I am right there in his.

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