Withdrawals

Finding the time to do everything you want to do can be hard. Actually accomplishing all the things you want…I don’t know about anyone else, but this is pretty much impossible for me.

Recently I went back to work. It’s been three years since I’ve been in a working environment, choosing to stay at home with my little boy than hand him over to someone else to raise him. But there comes a point in everyone’s life when a change is needed. That time came for me. While I adore every second I spend with my son, I got a shock when I realised I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been away from him, or my husband, at the same time.

The decision to return to work wasn’t hard, and neither was the initial change in my life. But when I noticed how long I’d had a particular book on the go, or how long it had been since I opened my WIP document, it became clear I was letting a lot of things fall to the wayside. And anyone who knows me, knows how unusual that is.

Not writing feels like drug withdrawal. My skin crawls and all I can think about is my keyboard beckoning me…whispering to me in my dreams about what I’m neglecting. So while I was prepared for the physical side of returning to work, I wasn’t prepared for the mental change. My brain was exhausted from remembering new facts and people, struggling to compete with someone who seems determined to see me fall, the guilt I ache with every time I leave my boy. Even though I work part time, I am exhausted and spent and finding zero time to do something that I used to make time for.

It’s all about finding the balance. But right now my scales must be wonky. It will take awhile for me to get the setting right, learn when to push through and when to relax and just be for a while. The one thing I am certain of is I cannot rush the return to my writing, especially when I feel like this. There are times when emotion turmoil in our personal lives can aid our writing, but this isn’t one of them. I need to save and reboot, and just hope and pray and everything else that it doesn’t take too long for my batteries to recharge. Like I said, my keyboard is beckoning me.